Who doesn't love a good, clean joke??

That is pointed at her husband?!? Hehe...I'm feeling a bit ornry!

These jokes were sent to Nick by one of his friends and I couldn't resist posting them!

Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck. The king says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man gets up, relieved, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. The king says again, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the second man gets up, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "

Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it. What did God say when he created Actuaries? He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!" They took it literally... A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an actuary." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer." The ACTUARY's PRAYER Our model, which art in nowhere. Guessing be thy name. Thy assumptions come, Thy will be done in future as it was in the past. Give us this day our premium rates, and forgive us our lousy estimates, as we forgive those who supply us with crappy data. Lead us not into insolvencies, and deliver us from auditors. For thine is the #NAME?, #DIV/0!, and #VALUE!, forever and ever. Amen. An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there." The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?" The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four." Several actuaries were sitting around at an actuaries joke telling convention. These actuaries knew their jokes so well that they assigned numbers to them. In order to save time, instead of telling the joke they would just shout out the number. "387" shouted out one actuary. The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke. "834 shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one. "1,023" shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. There was one young actuary in the group who was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke. The actuary who shouted out "1,023" settled the young actuary who had been rolling on the floor and then asked him "What is it about joke 1,023 that is so funny?" "I never heard that one before", replied the young actuary. :) hehe...Love you honey!